God, it hurts again today. That ache that feels so deeply that my heart wants to crack. I wish I could say that looking on the bright side helps, but I'm truly not convinced anymore that the bright side even exists for me. Impossible really does feel impossible.
My inner strength really isn't that strong right now. And to be perfectly honest, this is seriously the last bit of fight I've got left. I really have nothing left to give; both hands are wide open (empty). I've held on long enough and I'm getting ready to die on this hill. This is one battle I'm not allowed to win. I guess this is my very last attempt before I wave the white flag.
God, I need to know someone cares. I need to be shown in a truly genuine way that I am important, too (just as important as everyone else). I'm sick and tired of always being the humanitarian. It's my turn to be selfish, my turn to have a chance for once. I need to be selfish about this so that I can feel like a healthy person.
Please come through just this once. Convince me your promises are true. That the desires of my heart are the same as yours. That I'm worthy, just like everyone else, to be loved. That I don't have to have the raw end of the deal any more.
I need hope. I need faith. I need convincing. I need evidence. I need to know you're listening. I need it to stop hurting so bad. I need to feel happy. I need it to be my turn now.
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"Long enough, God - you've ignored me long enough. I've looked at the back of your head long enough. Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain. Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me.
Take a good look at me, God; my God; I want to look life in the eye, so no enemy can get the best of me or laugh when I fall on my face.
I've thrown myself headlong into your arms - I'm celebrating your rescue. I'm singing at the top of my lungs, I'm so full of answered prayers." Psalm 13
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He has never let you down, never looked the other way when you were being kicked around. He has never wandered off to do his own thing, he has been right there, listening.
Open up before God. Keep nothing back; he'll do whatever needs to be done. {trust}
