:: volunerability ::

the ability to feel connected. we're wired for it and that's what gives our lives purpose and meaning.

the funny thing is that when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartache. when you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. and when you ask people about connection, the stories you hear are about disconnection.

perhaps the reason for this is shame.

shame can be understood as the fear of disconnection: is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, i won't be worthy of connection?

shame is universal; we all have it. the only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. no one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it the more you have it. the thing that reinforces this shame, this "i'm not good enough"... "i'm not blank enough. i'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough." the thing that underpins this excruciating vulnerability, is allowing ourselves to be seen, really seen.

and most of us know how we feel about vulnerability. we hate it.

there are two ways to relate to vulnerability. either you have a strong sense of love and belonging [worthiness] or you constantly struggle to know if you're good enough. the only difference between the two is belief. if you have a strong sense of love and belonging you believe you're worthy of love and belonging. that's it. you believe you're worthy.

the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection.

so where does this sense of worthiness come from?

a deep sense of courage. the original definition of courage comes from the latin word "cor", meaning heart. it means to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.

to have a deep sense of worthiness very simply means to have the courage to be imperfect. people with this kind of courage have the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. they also have connection, as a result of authenticity, and are willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do in order to make a connection.

they also fully embrace vulnerability. they believe that what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful. they don't talk about vulnerability as being comfortable, nor do they really talk about it as being excruciating. they just talk about it as being necessary. they talk about the willingness to say "i love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call. they're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. they believe this is fundamental.

here's the thing. i have a vulnerability issue. and i know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and my struggle for worthiness, but it also appears to be the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love.

when you realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, you have to learn to surrender and walk into it. but, in my experience, it can be a slugfest. vulnerability pushes, and you push back. however, i'm learning that losing the fight against vulnerability might not be so bad, because i'm beginning to win my life back.

i usually numb vulnerability. the problem is that i cannot selectively numb my emotions. i cannot say, here is the bad stuff. here is vulnerability, here is the grief, here is the shame, here is the fear, here is the disappointment. i don't want to feel these. i'm going to have a few glasses of wine and a banana split. when i numb these hard feelings, in affect, i'm also numbing my joy, my gratitude and my happiness. and then i'm miserable. i'm stuck looking for purpose and meaning, and i feel vulnerable... so i have a few glasses of wine and a banana split. and it becomes a dangerous cycle.

i make everything that's uncertain certain. the more afraid i am, the more vulnerable i am, the more afraid i become. and then there's just blame - a way to discourage pain and discomfort.

i pretend that what i do has little to no effect on other people. when, in fact, this is far from true.

and i perfect. but my job is not to perfect; it doesn't work. my job is to look and say, "you know what? i'm imperfect and wired for struggle, but i'm worthy of love and belonging".

i can choose to let myself be seen, deeply seen; vulnerably seen. i can choose to love with my whole heart, even though there's no guarantee - and that's hard, excruciatingly hard. i can practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when i'm wondering, "can i love you this much? can i believe in this this passionately? can i be this fierce about this?" i can just choose to stop and, instead of worrying what might happen, say, "i'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable mean i'm alive".

more importantly, i can believe that i'm enough. because if i can work from a place that says, "i'm enough", then i can stop screaming and start listening. i can be kinder and gentler to the people around me, and i can begin to be kinder and gentler to myself.

(adapted from brene brown's ted talk vulnerability)

:: trust your struggle ::

these words honor the fact that we all have struggles, and they contain within them the trust of knowing that all the effort and difficulty is in service of something. That we're exactly right where we need to be, no matter how painful or pointless it might seem.

struggles are the times in life when we get knocked down so hard; it's difficult to imagine how we're going to get back up. we often experience these times more often then we would like, but what we learn during those difficult times is that what matters most becomes the clearest. nothing brings out the best and worst in you like a struggle.

in the midst of challenges we generally decide to fight or run. if you're anything like me, when it comes to chasing your dream, you fight and you fight HARD!

trusting your struggle means having the faith to believe that whatever you're going through is for your benefit. there are character traits and skills that are developed in the midst of hard times that make you a better person and help you prepare for the fruition of your dreams. you learn exactly what you're made of and often times you'll find that you have more strength and determination than you ever imagined.

and knowing ourselves helps us to make better decisions, because we know what we truly want or need.

but how do you deal with the pain of struggle?

by being open to grace. grace manifests the possibility that there is something greater than the pain we feel attached to or caught up in. grace encourages us to find peace and perhaps joy in the depth of struggle.

we usually spend too much time focusing on getting things right, making things better or back on track, that we forget how much effort it can be to get soft, to let go and be at peace.

when pain comes into our lives we can either try to ignore it, which usually allows us to suppress it and eventually effects us on a deeper level than we realize, we can bask in it, which often leads to depression, or we can trust that our struggle is a side effect of a deep rooted patterns that we finally have the ability to let go of.

while there are days when you may feel down or depressed, realize that you don't need to feel lost. embracing the journey of trusting your struggles is actually learning to trust in yourself and the path you find yourself on. what you gain is a sense of meaning.

as we find trust and meaning in our struggles, we find that there is no reason to feel lost. we are simply part of a larger story.

in the meantime, learn to trust your struggle.

* I'll refresh tired bodies; I'll restore tired souls.

  Jeremiah 31:25 - The Message (MSG)

 

:: aperture ::

Happiness is somewhere I have been before-
A blurry photograph that I have since ignored.
I'll carefully adjust the aperture once more,
Until I set the record straight.

I'll brush aside the dim, make room for the bright.
I'll be an editor, no, a curator of light.
I'll let my better angels always set me right,
Until I even out the score.
Until I even out the score.

God, it has been quite a year-
I've lived a little bit and I've died a little more.
I know that I've asked it before,
But please let the scale tip here in my favor.

What was once the sweetest melody I've heard
Is now a memory reduced to little words.
I'll tune the orchestra and play the overture,
Until I pinpoint every note.

Give me the heart of an archeologist,
That I may dig until I prove that I exist.
A subterranean cathedral in my midst,
Where echos come to rest.
Where echos come to rest.
Is this where echos come to rest?

God, it has been quite a year-
I've lived a little bit and I've died a little more.
I know that I've asked it before,
But please let the scale tip here in my favor.

Until I set the record straight,
Until I set the record straight,
Until I can set the record straight.

- Sleeping At Last -

:: courage in liminal spaces ::

courage - noun
"the ability to do something that frightens one" or "strength in the face of pain or grief"

life is full of excuses and when we find ourselves in the worst possible circumstances we often convince ourselves that we're completely stuck and powerless. however, the reality is we're not. the future may be unforeseen, but we still have the power of choice. so take courage.

thomas merton once said, "how do you expect to arrive at the end of your own journey if you take the road to another man's city?"

so ask yourself… are you in another person's city?

are you too busy pleasing someone else's expectations? have you bought into the stories that were created for you - that this is all you can be; it's in your DNA, it's in your genes, you're stuck and there's nothing you can do about it?

are you worried that you may wake up someday and wind up living in someone else's city and wonder, how did i get here?

are you being true to your own journey?

consider the following list of the 5 top regrets of a dying person on their deathbed:

i wish...
... i'd had the courage to live a life true to myself and not the life others expected of me.
... i didn't work so hard.
... i had the courage to express my feelings.
... i had stayed in touch with my friends.
... i had let myself be happier.

the season of lent is liminal space - traditionally the time where you are to do your own hard work, some introspection… is this a life i want? am i suck here? am i so full of excuses that i don't have the courage to take a step in some other direction?

is this the season where you say enough is enough? i don't want to be stuck here anymore. i'm sick of making excuses and blaming my dna or past baggage, etc.

you don't know where the future is, what the future is going to be, but perhaps there's a choice you can make today - in this seasons of lent, this season of introspection - to change it. its a matter of taking one step out of your situation, where you feel stuck and powerless, and taking a tremendous act of courage.

because the very nature of faith sometimes looks like courage, and those first steps of courage are met with little moments of grace.

we have a long list of things, a long list of excuses, that keep us from the hard path. the path that's risky. its much easier to make excuses and stay stuck in one place.

god, give us courage this lent season to say "where you go, I will go" and trust that we will be met with the open arms of grace as we put one foot in front of the other.