:: ironic ::

And so, here I am again alone in another dark moment with the creeping suspision that some one is watching me; trying diligently to back me into a corner. That someone is Me - my true self. The reflection of who I really am... and I don't like her.

She is begging me to listen to her again.

I really hate when she interrupts my solitude. I usually just squint my eyes shut and plug both fingers into my ears in hopes that she will simply disappear, but her persistance is annoying. So I find myself staring back at her uncomfortably familar face giving in once again, just like any other time before.

"I am not the person I want to be." *She's burtally honest.*

That's not to say I had been found a complete failure. The beautiful resorations God and I had accomplished throughout the course of my short life were indeed evident and ever blooming. My conviction came in the form of white-knuckling the old habits of the former me.

I don't want to be the girl who withdrawls every time life gets overwhelming, who becomes an intimidating ball of wax. I don't want to not trust my closest friends with my deepest thoughts or think that my problems are too little to share. And I most certainly don't want to sabbatage any more relationships because of my habitual, pre-determined judgements.

I want to be someone who knows how to ask for help when the going gets tough and be able to melt safely in front of the people who care most about me. I want to know that my deepest wounds can be healed and that my largest obsticles are only temporary if I determine to conquer them. And to feel the strentgh of those who will not fail me.

But this is who I am; this is what makes me, me. I am a living, breathing beautiful mess and too often I overlook that fact in hopes that I won't be found guilty of being imperfect. Who am I to judge myself?

Finding out that the person you are is not who you want to be is discouraging at best. But what we often fail to realize is that the person you are now, doesn't have to be the person you are later.

:: a single revelation ::

It's suddenly dawned on me that I have been ignoring my gifts and have been settling for a stationery life that comes from impatience with God's plan. One of my main concerns lately has been that I am single. I am single, and I do not want to be. I am single, and I know who I want Mr. Answer-to-my-prayers to be. I am single, and therefore life sucks. That's been my thought pattern. I'm sitting around waiting for life (which I figured came in the form of the word "marriage") to come to me, instead of me going after life (which is NOT the equivalent to marriage.)

The way I spend my time worrying over my singleness actually hinders me in many ways from not only using my gifts, but from growing in my relationship with God, touching the lives of others in an effective way and is causing me to waste many, many hours of my free time. My foolishness is quite embarrassing, and it's gotten me nowhere. The way God is speaking to my heart makes me now quite convinced that this period of singleness in my life is something so much more precious than it appears. It is an amazing time of growth, independence, maturing, overcoming and becoming.

My heart’s desire now is that I will not simply aim to get married, but that I will aim to thrive—in my relationship with God, my relationships with others, my gifts, my compassions and life.

Being available sets me free. It is a gift, to set my dry life in motion. My only job now is to THRIVE in all that God has for me and to (although I hate this word) WAIT.

~

"A woman's heart should be so lost in her Lord, that a man should have to seek God to get to it."

:: when trust disappoints ::

"Again the words flow through my mind like an annoying friend who won’t go away. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not depend on your own understanding. Seek Him in all you do and He will direct your steps.

I think the conclusion that this verse brings is not necessarily what I had assumed. Why do we trust? Because our lives are uncertain. In our wisdom we believe that trusting in God will eventually lead to the end of uncertainty. If I need a job, I trust that God will provide a job, not leave me in uncertainty. Yet I think that is often what God does, and not because it is some test to prove our trust. I think maybe it is because our uncertainty is too precious and too good for us to be taken away. Why would God reward our trust with the one thing that takes away our need to trust? Maybe He loves us too much to let us live in certainty and security.

Trust in God does not necessarily bring resolution. It may even build the tension of our already fragile lives. We may not get the job that is the answer to our financial problems. We may not find the person who will complete our lives. We may not figure out what that next step is before we are required to take it. Our problems may get worse, life may get harder; but still we must trust. It doesn’t say He will fill us in or ask our permission for each direction He takes us. He just says to trust Him. If we do He will direct our steps, and that is an encouraging thought."

Okay God, I hear you. "Get back on the horse."

I guess I'll try again tomorrow then.

:: all by myself ::

Yesterday I sneezed and said "excuse me"... but there was no one in the room.

(!)

*oh*

:: lakefield guy - a true story ::

So I'm having this "God you rock" kind of night, and I hear this story. A story about a girl on one side of the world unknowningly praying for (and affecting) a guy (who later turned out be her husband) on the other side of the world. As I'm hearing this, I was sitting there thinking... "Wow. Cool story"... and that's when it hit me; I have a story like that!


During my last year of college my roommate, Karen, and I decided we should do something really big to celebrate our graduation, so we decided to go to Europe together that summer. As we were getting closer to the end of planning our crazy adventure, we started to imagine all the different people we would meet on our trip. Being the typical girls were, our conversation eventually lead to the possibility of romance.

She turned to me and asked, "What would you do if you met someone on our trip? Would 'what happens in Europe, stay in Europe' or would you consider a long-distance relationship?" She wasn't a Christian and I didn't feel like explaining to her (again) all the reasons why I was answering the way I did, so I just left it at "I'm not looking for a relationship so I don't think I'm going to worrying about that." But she persisted with 'what if', so I answered again, "Okay... IF he was from Canada, and IF he lived in Ontario... no wait... my hometown... then I MIGHT consider a relationship." And that was the end of that.

Fast forward to landing in England.

The morning of our departure from our hotel in London, we were in the elevator on our way down to the lobby and it stopped of the fourth floor. Two guys step inside and Karen notices they've got Canadian flags on their backpacks which, of course, lead to...

"Hey, are you Canadian?"

Guy in the elevator - "Ya."

Karen - "So are we!"

"Cool. Where are you from?"

"Ontario."

"So are we! Where about?"

"Toronto."

"Cool. I'm from Toronto, too. Actually, I live a few hours east of Toronto."

"Shut up. So do we!!! Where are do you live?"

"Peterborough."

"Shut up! So do we!!" (At this point my roommate was having a cow.)

But I was confused. Why did the girl standing right next to me look so... familiar...?!

A few seconds later, I'd jumped back inside myself just long enough to hear his next words... "Well, actually I'm from Lakefield." "SHUT UP!! Maeghan's from Lakefield!!!" As it turned out, he lived like 5 minutes from my house. *no joke*



Up until last Sunday night, I'd forgotten all about that moment in the elevator. I'd forgotten how I'd been so amazed by God's power (and sense of humor). At that time in my life, I was doubting whether or not my prayers were actually having any kind of affect. But you know what's even funnier about my real life story? I not only met "Lakefield Guy" in England, but I also ran into him again in Italy and Switzerland... and 3 weeks after our trip at the movie theater were I worked!

You know, it's pretty disgusting how quickly I doubt that my God isn't big enough. Or how quickly I dismiss that He even cares. Or how often I forget that He's got it all under control.

If I've learned anything this week, it's that I need to start praying for my future husband again.

:: forget sleep walking ::

*LOL* Apparently I giggled in my sleep the other night. I think that's hilarious!!

:: yesterday's fortune cookie ::

"Your dynamic eyes have attracted a secret admirer." ... interesting. I had no idea it was that simple.

:: the pursuit of happiness ::

A friend of mine recently shared his feelings of 'undatableness' and not being able to grasp the concept of trusting God to bring the right person into his life. I think it's safe to say we all know exactly how he feels - myself included. Honestly though, I've got a bit of a beef with the Mr./Mrs. Right issue.

Is it just me, or are we all a little disillusioned?

I think we've idolized the whole idea, probably without ever knowing it. We're bombarded with it constantly because 'they' tell us it's the next logical thing to do. Then suddenly we start to see our singleness as a deficiency; no wonder we make it such a priority. But do we really believe that someone else could make our lives any more complete then it already is?

I know I've lead myself to believe that Prince Charming is out there somewhere looking for me, and that one day he'll come sweep me off my feet and carry me away. But the truth is, that person does not exist. And thank God he doesn't! Why would anyone be so quick to dismiss the life they already have when the goal has always been to share it with someone else?

Obviously we don't have it right, especially if God is having us repeat the same lessons over and over again. Love your God with all your heart, mind and soul. Lean not to your own understanding. The plans I have for you are to give you a hope and a future. Maybe it's time we started paying attention.

I guess what I'm trying to suggest is that perhaps our desire for such a close relationship is the same thing that's holding us back from fulfilling God's plan for our life? I'm not saying it's wrong to want it, I just saying that maybe it's time we re-focused our efforts. God is the jealous type, so wouldn't it make sense that He'd be our first love? Therefore, wouldn't it be wise to practice on the one relationship we already have?

It's not about trusting God to bring the right someone into your life. We already believe that. I think it's about enjoying the right Someone you already have in your life and sharing it with the people around you. And personally, I think that's pretty attractive.

:: crazy going slowly am i ::

I REALLY did NOT want to get out of bed this morning. I'm still very tired from being sick and all the work we had to do to our new place. Add to that my morning disillusionment to my new surroundings and... *OH BOY!*

It only takes me 10 minutes to get to work now so I'm waking up later. But when I was in the shower I was thinking I still had to leave at 7:20 so I started freaking out. I had to remind myself that I was still on time. But when I looked at my watch it said it was 7:50 and I was like, "AHH I have to be at work like... NOW!" So I'm rushing like mad and look at my watch once again. It's still 7:50 and I'm like, "AHHH... Hey wait a minute?!" Ya. My watched stopped. *ARGH*

As it turns out I'm nice and early so I decided pulled into the Timmy' drive thru. *DUMB IDEA* Everyone AND THEIR MOM was there!! By the time I got out of there I was officially running late.

*WHAT THE HECK*... I'm pulling into the 403 and I see flashing lights. *CRAP* Thank God it was just some cop pulling someone over. However, everybody's 'conveniently' rubber-necking!! *GOOD GOD MAN! Like you've never seen that before*

And just when I thought it couldn't get any better... I turn off to make my way up Hwy 6 and it gets super slow. *good times* I get to the top of the mountain and discover that Hwy 5 towards Flamborough is COMPLETELY BLOCKED OFF!! *you've got to be kidding me?!* At which point I'm like... "Ya I DON'T know where I'm going or HOW I'm going to get to work!?!" As I'm searching for Plan B I eventually get turned back around and merge back into the nasty traffic. Luckily I had LOTS of time to figure out WHAT Plan B was going to be. *BAH* I ended up going back to the 403 and through Copetown. An HOUR later I made it to work.

Needless to say it's been a slow start!

:: searching for significance ::

The following is an article from relevant magazine. I've changed a few words and made it my own because it's as though I had written it myself.*

I have an insatiable need to feel extraordinary, to be a change-agent and leave a mark on the world. It's in my blood, and I'm desperate for significance.

I believe my God-given destiny is where my greatest happiness lies. I don't think twice about it. It's what propels me forward, making me breathless for influence and to have my voice heard. The influence of my life is more expansive than I can imagine and I'm going to do something really big with my life.

I really put my heart into everything I do. I enjoy what I do and it gives me the impetus to keep right on going. But sometimes the hunger for significance still lingers, and the high doesn't last very long. In a matter of moments I felt empty again, needing some new quest to make me feel alive and worthwhile once more.

It's kind of brutal to find out that my insatiable appetite for significance is also deeply rooted in a desperate need to feel valued as a young woman from a broken home. (I hate using that label but I'm slowly coming to accepting it.) My driven-ness is also an attempt to create an identity from scratch. My parents (mostly my dad) loved me but didn't take the time to speak into my heart, to tell me who I am, to give me a legacy. But I do find some level of comfort in knowing that the same desperation to feel validated and to know that my life counts is also rooted in a lot of other people my age.

And so comes the 'fun part'; admitting that my obession with success is a cry for attention and security, and ultimately the need for spiritual healing. I need my heavenly Father to show me that I matter to Him. The broken parts of me or the missing parts that still need to be filled in long for affirmation and to know that I am loved. Because my parents didn't tell me this, I look for other relationships and experiences to speak to my aching heart. The significance-shaped vacuum cries out and seeks the comforts of the world's applause.

God hears my cry for significance and whispers, "I put that longing in your heart because I have plans for you. I gave you that voracious hunger for greatness and beauty and purpose because I'm calling you to serve Me and reveal My marvelous purpose." He is a generous and willing Father who tells His children, "Ask me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, and the ends of the earth your possession" (Psalm 2:8, TNIV). Today I'm learning that as I step out in faith and take hold of the opportunities He gives me, I can trust He will enable me to leave my mark on this world.

:: my broken cookie-cutter plans ::

I've always had my ideas of what I wanted my future to look like... and then reality set in and life happened differently. Some of my dreams were shelved. But despite how unachievable or impossible I think they may be, and no matter how dusty or forgotten I let them become, God still has a way of making sure they generate a shorter shelf-life then I had orginially intended.

I've visited 13 countries, I have a career I absolutely love working in ministry and my new apartment has the claw-footed tub and loft space I've always wanted! These are all dreams I'd given up for one reason or another. And yet these are all dreams I've come to live.

Maybe it's because I've accepted that these things might never be. Because for me, to live is Christ but to die is gain. Or maybe its because I'm not rich or famous or both and the greater part of my life is still misspent - according to the world's standards. But I don't think myself a failure.

My life is exactly the way I thought it to be. Completely unwritten in what I know and totally surrendered to the Faithfulness I know best. I live each day believing that inbetween all of my broken cookie-cutter plans, my God will still give me the desires of my heart. They just may present themselves a little differently then expected that's all.

:: a tall tale ::

Shannon, this is for you...

Once upon a time, in a place not too far from here, there was a girl. A simple girl of regular proportions with regular dreams that were offset by odd obsessions with pretty things and ice cream. She had many friends, but some believed she had been born with an unhealthy dose of 'strange'.

Every day she would wake up at an ungodly hour, climb into her pathetic car and go to work. Some said to pursue the 'American Dream' but really it was just because that's what adults do.

But despite her best intensions, she would always forget to pack a lunch. Eventually chewing on pens just wasn't filling anymore and she became tired of entertaining an empty stomach. So using all the limited energy she could muster, she decided to find a solution to her absent-minded predicament.

Going out and buying food ended quickly; her budget wouldn't allow for it. She found smiles that were free but found they didn't hold her appetite for very long. And toting the refrigerator to work every day just proved to be a bit of a burden.

So she did the only thing she could do... rely on her creative abilities. And so she sat waiting for inspiration. Moments later it hit her.

She needed her very own personal chef. Not an ordinary chef, but a miniature chef... one that could fit in her purse. Portable, affordable and adorable! "BRILLIANT!", she thought.

And with that she was off to China in hopes of finding the impossible.

~Fin~

:: hand me my nose ring ::

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to others is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to do nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by his attitudes, he is a slave, he forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks can be free.

:: unknown ::

"A truely fufilling life must contain 3 essential requirements: something to live on, something to live for and something to die for. The lack of one of these attributes results in drama. The lack of two results in tragedy."

:: too big for your bowl ::

Right now you're probably alone with your thoughts, seriously wondering what you're doing and rightfully contemplating turning around. But you won't. Not now. That would be stupid. You know better then to go back to that place where it was safe and things were fine. F.I.N.E was uncomfortable.

Who's to say you have to stay? You were free to leave whenever you wished. You just never wanted to before. Or never needed to. But that doesn't matter now... You don't belong there anymore.

Going in circles never really bothered you much because you eventually learned to compensate for your handicap. But you're tired of doing that. It's time to see your handicap for what it really is. A gift. A constant reminder of the limitations you were are able to overcome. And a rock. A stepping stone not a stumbling block.

And that is why, for Christ's sake, you delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when you are weak, then you are strong.

:: little piggy's ::

Toes. Why are toes so weird? Honestly, they're probably one of the strangest body parts. I mean just look at them. They're odd and kinda ugly. Few people have better ones then most but then nobody really cares, do they? Cause they're just toes.

Why do toes need to be so strange looking? Take the big toe, why is he so big? And how did he get to be so obese? And the little guy on the end, he's just the pathetic runt of the family. Why did he get the microscopic nail? And then the inbetweens, what's up with them? They all seem to have their own growth spurts!

Toes are just really really weird. Flat toes. Round toes. Skinny toes. Fat toes. Stubby toes. Crooked toes. ET toes. Hammer toes. What's up with toes!

And feet!... Don't get me started...

:: simplicity ::

It's been too safe
it's been too safe for too long
so little reaction, to good or bad
or right or wrong.
And I'm feeling restless here,
with "good intentions" and barbed wire
I want to go elsewhere
and set this place on fire.
NO ONE MOVE
we just wanna know
what's been waiting just outside
these walls are cold
from flames that give off only light
-I'm looking for heat
and sweat
and priceless tears of sincerity
can't be content
with less than everything
NO ONE MOVE
I wanna keep my eyes on You.
... set this place on fire.

:: take my world apart ::

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
To give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loved
More deeply than the oceans,
More abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice?
Oh, grip the spear and watch the blood and the water flow

(To love You)
Take my world apart
(To need You)
I am on my knees
(To love You)
Take my world apart
(To need You)
Broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
'Cause what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

And I pray
(To love You)
Take my world apart
(To need You)
I am on my knees
(To love You)
Take my world apart
(To need You)
Broken on my knees
On my knees


I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain,
And wash my feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
My sin-soaked heart - make it yours
Take my world all apart,
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blow away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
Steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart
Take my world apart
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart

:: jars of clay ::

:: worry ::

"There is a lovely little passage in Matthew 6, from the Sermon on the Mount, do not worry. I have encountered this passage many times throughout my life, as any person that has attended church can testify, but often it is almost impossible to actually apply its command to real life. Almost every spare instant in my life is filled with worry, despite the fact that I know how pointless the practice is, in all actuality.

However, I am beginning to understand the importance of living my life without the burden of worry. I am trying to comprehend how insignificant all my worries truly are in the big scheme of things, accepting God and His peace as the only way to reach any level of contentment and happiness.

Next time every decision in your life seems to be staring you straight in the face and everything you have so carefully constructed seems to be collapsing, remember the futility of worrying. Instead of lending yourself to despair and anxiety and trying to add days onto your life, please take a chance to remember the timing and sovereignty of God and allow Him to provide you with comfort.

He has and will provide you with everything that you need; be content to rest in His arms and accept His peace because it might just change your life."

:: relevant magazine ::

:: don't read unless you like eavesdropping ::

I just read my x's blog. Didn't expect to end up there but I did. Learned all about the new girlfriend and about how she's 'everything I wasn't'. You know what? Good for him. Meanwhile, I'm not feeling too hot anymore. *Should have found a newspaper.*

God, I feel like such a fool. Not because I lack self esteem, but because I compromised so much without ever realizing it. I can only blame myself. And my heart still listens to the taunting laughter that mocks my foolishness. Forgive me. Its so hard to ignore sometimes. Its even harder to accept that the best parts of me were overlooked. In a way I sort of wish it never happened, but then what lessons would I have missed?

I think the worst part is knowing that I wasted so much in that relationship. I know without a doubt that I was ready to be in one, I just chose the wrong guy. Having a heart that longs so badly for the real thing doesn't seem to help much either. God, my dream seems so dead now. What ever happened to that prince? Why did I give him up? I used to pray for him. Expect him. Now?...

You want my thoughts of inadequacy? The rejection and hurt too? Sure. They're really not working for me anyways. Here, You can hold my heart too. I trust You with it. For now I'll sit alone with my dreams and try to restore the prince I once believed in, and... wait.

:: you should be proud of yourselves ::

It's time for me to announce which one of you is better than the rest! *lol* But before I do, I'd just like to say that you all know me far too well. I encourage you to get some serious therapy. (You'd be amazed at what my sock puppets can do!)

And now, without further delay, I give you the Guess What Is Maeghan's Thinking Right Now Awards... *drum roll*










Congratulations Wendy! Your prize is 25 pennies!!! Trade them in to hear my thoughts incase you don't get them right the first time.

Thanks to all who participated. You're all winners in my book!

:: contest is closing ::

It must be said that there are some pretty good contenders and judging will prove to be difficult. Thank you for all your brilliant entries. This is your last chance to make both your comments incase you haven't. Actually, I've decided to allow for one more should you feel you can do one better. Contest closes in 24 hours and the winner will be announced in my next post.

Thank you to all participants, however only the winner will be awarded with a prize (of no cash value). Runners up will be rightly mentioned (in no particular order) and may be required to answer a skill testing question... or not.

Once again, good luck and may the best man win!

:: interactive post ::

Surprise, surprise... I'm bored yet again! *unenthusiastic shout* Lucky for the rest of you that means my creativity switches to over-drive, and something weird and wonderful must pop out. Unfortunately the window of opportunity tends to be but a small one and likes to close rather quickly. I'd better prop it open...

There. That should do it. Now, where was I...

Right. So I've come up with a game. It's called Guess What Maeghan's Thinking Right Now. Best comment wins. Entries are limited to 2 per person. Winner will receive actual prize. Good luck!

... NnnoooOO! Window is closing. "FINGERS!!" *shouts of pain*

:: another one bites the dust ::

So my blogging strike didn't work out so well. Turns out my pointless entries and randomly inspired posts are in high demand these days. I'd like to think that I made my point - This thing I call life is better than yours! *joking* But for today's blog I've opted for a simple narrative.

The present leaves me sitting here. Writing. Licking chocolate off my fingers from the Coffee Crisp I just ate. Wishing that candy was good for me and veggies were evil. Knowing that such a revolution could never be. Thinking that tomorrow will likely bring the same notions as today's.

Oh, if only Buck were here to wisk me away... *daydream*

:: more sillyness ::

Procastinators: Leaders of tomorrow.

I shower naked (!)

Pickles are cucumbers dipped in evil.

If you can read this, make me a sandwich.

Ninjas and Pirates agree: Cowboys suck.

So far, this is the oldest I've ever been!

(This is in Spanish when you're not looking.)

:: you can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy ::

:: nothing is written. nothing must stay the same ::

Maybe that sounds like a cheesy tag but it got me thinking... what if I were to simply approach these three words with a mindset that sees change as impossible?

I don't know about you, but change is one of those uncomfortable words that I like to avoid. I'd much rather believe that some things are just too hard and I that can stop trying because it simply cannot be done. But I don't think that's right. I have a truth that says my God is the God of the impossible, so why am I still struggling with living this way?

Why can't I accept the fact that sometimes change really is impossible? What if I just chose to believe that anything can still happen regardless of the odds against me? Because impossible change is possible for God.

What if I just decided to have faith enough to live with a full out, wreckless abandon, nothing is written kind of attitude? What if that were my life's motto?

Ok, so that might be a little much, but why not? Why shouldn't I stand against the tide? Why can't I find the gravity I need to change myself and the world around me? Why should everything be written already?

:: my fellow bloggers ::

I need more reading material folks. I'm seriously bored. I'm only seeing stale pages and tiny paragraphs. Let's see some more content! And don't tell me you've got nothing to say because I'm squashing that scapegoat.

It's not that hard. See! I've got nothing to write about but yet... a second paragraph! *Oh my Lantas* (That was for you LA) You just have to be creative. Write about anything - please. Pointless banters, rants... whatever. Make it up for all I care! I read fiction, too.

Now I don't want you feel obligated to fill dead space, nor do I want you to give your stories in extreme detail, I'm just asking for a little bit of quality entertainment to waste away my day from one friend to another. Is that too much to ask?

So go! NOW! You can do it - I believe in you.

:: Inspire ::

:: stretch marks ::

"Life is pain. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling you something."

:: Princess Bride ::

How true that is. Life is pain. In fact, life is pain most of the time. Good days are just that, days. Happy moments are just happy moments. For the most part, pain dominates. Pain impacts us, affects us and influences us. Pain is part of the package of being people. Because life is pain. We persevere through the pain. Through valleys, and up mountains, and over hills, and across bridges and down dead-end dirt roads... Full of pain. And as authentic as my God is about what I can expect from a short span on this spinning globe, He is just as honest about how short a span that actually is.

Because life is not pain for long. Not in the scope of eternity. Or it needn't be.

And in that is where we can find what we need and stop settling for something someone is selling to us.

:: learning to die ::

"I am learning that life is about practicing listening to God's wisdom, and then letting my self-doubt subside, in order to improvise the best I can."

:: beautifully broken ::

"There’s beauty in our brokenness. There’s God in our emptiness. Without that brokenness, without that emptiness, we tend to forget that we need God in the day to day. All God wants is for us to seek him and sometimes all that keeps us seeking God is the realization that we need him; only in our times of deepest need do we come to that realization.

And that’s why we often find ourselves to be empty, why seasons of brokenness last longer than we want. In those seasons come the yearning to know God; without that drive, we would never really spend time getting to know him, getting to know his touch. Sometimes, we have to come to the realization that we truly do live in a state of brokenness, not because of God’s will, but more because of our sin. But there’s still beauty in that, not because of our sin, but because of our need for God. Without him, we are truly empty, broken people in desperate need of a loving Savior. "

:: deal with it ::

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered - love them anyway! If you do good, they'll accuse you of selfishness or ulterior motives - do good anyway! When you're successful, your friends may be false and your enemies will be real - succeed anyway! The good you do today may soon be forgotten tomorrow - do good anyway! Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable - be honest and frank anyway! The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest minds - think big anyway! People favor underdogs but only follow top dogs - fight for the underdog anyway! What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight - build it anyway! Give the world the best you've got, and chances are, you'll still be despised - give your best anyway!

:: beyond what we can ask or think ::

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us." Ephesians 3:20

What God is doing in our lives is so intense that it is literally beyond what we can ask or think. The goodness of God goes beyond what our human imagination can conceive. The power that works in us is so strong and immense that we don't completely realize what is happening. His love for us is so total and so strong that He wants the very best for our lives, and He is working to make it happen if we will trust in Him.

:: wabisabi ::

... a Japanese word that refers to "seeing beauty in things imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete. It is the beauty of things modest and humble, things unconventional."... what a great word!

:: weathered ::

Its strange how we don't see the benefits of a storm while we're walking through it. Instead we're quick to label them as unfair and unjust. I'm not saying they don't suck big time, because they do. But if we didn't have the storms that life brings with it, we'd never discovered the kind of freedom that comes with braving them.

The key is in not giving up. Storms aren't meant to be seen as misfortunes but as a test of endurance. I've found that it helps to remember three things.

1) You never walk alone. God never leaves us or forsakes us, however some storms may also be a test of faithfulness. He wants to be the one to help us through the mess and pick us up when we fall. We just have to ask.

2) Run to the shelters inbetween the rain. God's Word is the ultimate source of rest, refreshment and healing. And even close friends, or total strangers, can provide encouragement and support.

3) Hope can never go beyond the horizon. It may be clouded at times, but just because it isn't there doesn't mean that it has disappeared forever.

The truth is, the effects of a storm undoubtedly ripple into the future but its damage doesn't have to. Destruction is repairable. The dawn will break and the sun will warm your face again. You just have to carry the lessons of each storm with you into the next so that you can walk forward knowing that you've survived before.

:: lies ::

Anything with the word "ultimate" in the title. Statistics in general. God helps those who help themselves. God is your co-pilot. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Money equals happiness and/or brains. Keanu Reeves is cool. Paris Hilton is hot. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. You can take it with you (whatever "it" is). Anything called "cutting edge" or "state-of-the-art." Greedo fired his blaster first. You have to be serious to get anywhere in life.

:: something to consider ::

"We are only asked to love, to be about hope. We don't get to choose all of the endings; we will not solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in this vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We are called to be lovers bold in broken places."

:: if it wasn't this... i'd be something different ::

There's only one word to describe it... tailspin. That's what this past month has been. One tailspin after another. The 'neverending' project with the over anal client. Quiting the old job and starting the new one. Buying a cheap car and discovering its qwirks at the most inconvientent of times. Surviving a cold and an eye infection. And having the boy suddenly dump me. All of which resulted in me not eating or sleeping right. Its been fun.

These days I don't know what to do with myself. Everything's been turned upside down and there's not much left to salvage. I really don't know what I'd do without the prayers of my friends and family. They're the ones pulling me through this mess.

I guess the only thing I can do is hold on to the hope I have left and give everything I can to make it grow again.

:: Under the shadow of Your wings I will find a hiding place ::

:: some people's kids ::

So my mom came to visit last weekend and she bought me some new pots for my birthday. The fun part is that no one here really believes they're mine because I never cook. But I showed them! I used them for the first time tonight to make Kraft Dinner!! *LOL* The jokes on you my friends.

Aren't you proud of me mom?!

:: epiphany ::

If you die, does your junk mail live forever??

:: early bird ::

Today was a typical weekday... or so I thought.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm going off only to hit the snooze for an additional 15 minutes of sleep, and 15 minutes later I forced myself out of bed. Like every other morning I tried not to wake my roommate while I headed to the bathroom to shower, change and put on my face for the day. I miraculously squeezed in a few extra minutes before I had to drag myself down the street to catch the bus, so after skimming through the cupboards and wrestling with plastic bags I managed to pack myself a half decent lunch and headed out the door into the cold January air.

Just like the day before my street was calm and my thoughts were on the memories of a warm bed. That is until I reached the hill of the last block because this was where my calves started to burn and I tried to remind myself that this was probably a good thing.

Eventually I made it to the bus stop and I slipped into the shelter to wait with the company of my iTunes. The bus appeared a few minutes late like always and, like always, I stumbled into a window seat as the bus pulled away.

10 minutes later I found myself back on the street fighting thoughts of my face possibly shattering into a million pieces because of the brittle wind. But soon after those thoughts were replaced with contemplating the amount of change I had left in my wallet for a nice warm cafe mocha. That's when I decided to say good morning to Mr. Startbucks before reaching my final destination.

But as I crossed the threshold of the front doors something was wrong. My boss looked at me with a questionable glare and asked, "What are you doing here?"... Suddenly I realized that there had been a chemical imbalance in my head when I woke up and I heard the sound of my stupidity growing stronger with laughter... "Wha?... I don't work this morning?!."

Every day we learn something new. Today was no exception. Today taught me the value of knowing the days of the week and the importance of numerical accuracy! Don't take it for granted people. It could save your life... Or at least a few hours of sleep!

:: God said... ::

CHEER UP you are worse off then you figure.
I love the way I always see who you could be.

STAND UP you are stronger then you figure.
You just need to be surrounded by those who believe in you.

All the stars are waiting for you to shine.
And your heart is beating to find it's home in mine.

All creation waits for you to take your place.

WAKE UP it's time to dream bigger.