:: ironic ::

And so, here I am again alone in another dark moment with the creeping suspision that some one is watching me; trying diligently to back me into a corner. That someone is Me - my true self. The reflection of who I really am... and I don't like her.

She is begging me to listen to her again.

I really hate when she interrupts my solitude. I usually just squint my eyes shut and plug both fingers into my ears in hopes that she will simply disappear, but her persistance is annoying. So I find myself staring back at her uncomfortably familar face giving in once again, just like any other time before.

"I am not the person I want to be." *She's burtally honest.*

That's not to say I had been found a complete failure. The beautiful resorations God and I had accomplished throughout the course of my short life were indeed evident and ever blooming. My conviction came in the form of white-knuckling the old habits of the former me.

I don't want to be the girl who withdrawls every time life gets overwhelming, who becomes an intimidating ball of wax. I don't want to not trust my closest friends with my deepest thoughts or think that my problems are too little to share. And I most certainly don't want to sabbatage any more relationships because of my habitual, pre-determined judgements.

I want to be someone who knows how to ask for help when the going gets tough and be able to melt safely in front of the people who care most about me. I want to know that my deepest wounds can be healed and that my largest obsticles are only temporary if I determine to conquer them. And to feel the strentgh of those who will not fail me.

But this is who I am; this is what makes me, me. I am a living, breathing beautiful mess and too often I overlook that fact in hopes that I won't be found guilty of being imperfect. Who am I to judge myself?

Finding out that the person you are is not who you want to be is discouraging at best. But what we often fail to realize is that the person you are now, doesn't have to be the person you are later.

:: a single revelation ::

It's suddenly dawned on me that I have been ignoring my gifts and have been settling for a stationery life that comes from impatience with God's plan. One of my main concerns lately has been that I am single. I am single, and I do not want to be. I am single, and I know who I want Mr. Answer-to-my-prayers to be. I am single, and therefore life sucks. That's been my thought pattern. I'm sitting around waiting for life (which I figured came in the form of the word "marriage") to come to me, instead of me going after life (which is NOT the equivalent to marriage.)

The way I spend my time worrying over my singleness actually hinders me in many ways from not only using my gifts, but from growing in my relationship with God, touching the lives of others in an effective way and is causing me to waste many, many hours of my free time. My foolishness is quite embarrassing, and it's gotten me nowhere. The way God is speaking to my heart makes me now quite convinced that this period of singleness in my life is something so much more precious than it appears. It is an amazing time of growth, independence, maturing, overcoming and becoming.

My heart’s desire now is that I will not simply aim to get married, but that I will aim to thrive—in my relationship with God, my relationships with others, my gifts, my compassions and life.

Being available sets me free. It is a gift, to set my dry life in motion. My only job now is to THRIVE in all that God has for me and to (although I hate this word) WAIT.

~

"A woman's heart should be so lost in her Lord, that a man should have to seek God to get to it."