The following is an article from relevant magazine. I've changed a few words and made it my own because it's as though I had written it myself.*
I have an insatiable need to feel extraordinary, to be a change-agent and leave a mark on the world. It's in my blood, and I'm desperate for significance.
I believe my God-given destiny is where my greatest happiness lies. I don't think twice about it. It's what propels me forward, making me breathless for influence and to have my voice heard. The influence of my life is more expansive than I can imagine and I'm going to do something really big with my life.
I really put my heart into everything I do. I enjoy what I do and it gives me the impetus to keep right on going. But sometimes the hunger for significance still lingers, and the high doesn't last very long. In a matter of moments I felt empty again, needing some new quest to make me feel alive and worthwhile once more.
It's kind of brutal to find out that my insatiable appetite for significance is also deeply rooted in a desperate need to feel valued as a young woman from a broken home. (I hate using that label but I'm slowly coming to accepting it.) My driven-ness is also an attempt to create an identity from scratch. My parents (mostly my dad) loved me but didn't take the time to speak into my heart, to tell me who I am, to give me a legacy. But I do find some level of comfort in knowing that the same desperation to feel validated and to know that my life counts is also rooted in a lot of other people my age.
And so comes the 'fun part'; admitting that my obession with success is a cry for attention and security, and ultimately the need for spiritual healing. I need my heavenly Father to show me that I matter to Him. The broken parts of me or the missing parts that still need to be filled in long for affirmation and to know that I am loved. Because my parents didn't tell me this, I look for other relationships and experiences to speak to my aching heart. The significance-shaped vacuum cries out and seeks the comforts of the world's applause.
God hears my cry for significance and whispers, "I put that longing in your heart because I have plans for you. I gave you that voracious hunger for greatness and beauty and purpose because I'm calling you to serve Me and reveal My marvelous purpose." He is a generous and willing Father who tells His children, "Ask me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, and the ends of the earth your possession" (Psalm 2:8, TNIV). Today I'm learning that as I step out in faith and take hold of the opportunities He gives me, I can trust He will enable me to leave my mark on this world.
August 31, 2006
August 29, 2006
:: my broken cookie-cutter plans ::
I've always had my ideas of what I wanted my future to look like... and then reality set in and life happened differently. Some of my dreams were shelved. But despite how unachievable or impossible I think they may be, and no matter how dusty or forgotten I let them become, God still has a way of making sure they generate a shorter shelf-life then I had orginially intended.
I've visited 13 countries, I have a career I absolutely love working in ministry and my new apartment has the claw-footed tub and loft space I've always wanted! These are all dreams I'd given up for one reason or another. And yet these are all dreams I've come to live.
Maybe it's because I've accepted that these things might never be. Because for me, to live is Christ but to die is gain. Or maybe its because I'm not rich or famous or both and the greater part of my life is still misspent - according to the world's standards. But I don't think myself a failure.
My life is exactly the way I thought it to be. Completely unwritten in what I know and totally surrendered to the Faithfulness I know best. I live each day believing that inbetween all of my broken cookie-cutter plans, my God will still give me the desires of my heart. They just may present themselves a little differently then expected that's all.
I've visited 13 countries, I have a career I absolutely love working in ministry and my new apartment has the claw-footed tub and loft space I've always wanted! These are all dreams I'd given up for one reason or another. And yet these are all dreams I've come to live.
Maybe it's because I've accepted that these things might never be. Because for me, to live is Christ but to die is gain. Or maybe its because I'm not rich or famous or both and the greater part of my life is still misspent - according to the world's standards. But I don't think myself a failure.
My life is exactly the way I thought it to be. Completely unwritten in what I know and totally surrendered to the Faithfulness I know best. I live each day believing that inbetween all of my broken cookie-cutter plans, my God will still give me the desires of my heart. They just may present themselves a little differently then expected that's all.
August 18, 2006
:: a tall tale ::
Shannon, this is for you...
Once upon a time, in a place not too far from here, there was a girl. A simple girl of regular proportions with regular dreams that were offset by odd obsessions with pretty things and ice cream. She had many friends, but some believed she had been born with an unhealthy dose of 'strange'.
Every day she would wake up at an ungodly hour, climb into her pathetic car and go to work. Some said to pursue the 'American Dream' but really it was just because that's what adults do.
But despite her best intensions, she would always forget to pack a lunch. Eventually chewing on pens just wasn't filling anymore and she became tired of entertaining an empty stomach. So using all the limited energy she could muster, she decided to find a solution to her absent-minded predicament.
Going out and buying food ended quickly; her budget wouldn't allow for it. She found smiles that were free but found they didn't hold her appetite for very long. And toting the refrigerator to work every day just proved to be a bit of a burden.
So she did the only thing she could do... rely on her creative abilities. And so she sat waiting for inspiration. Moments later it hit her.
She needed her very own personal chef. Not an ordinary chef, but a miniature chef... one that could fit in her purse. Portable, affordable and adorable! "BRILLIANT!", she thought.
And with that she was off to China in hopes of finding the impossible.
~Fin~
Once upon a time, in a place not too far from here, there was a girl. A simple girl of regular proportions with regular dreams that were offset by odd obsessions with pretty things and ice cream. She had many friends, but some believed she had been born with an unhealthy dose of 'strange'.
Every day she would wake up at an ungodly hour, climb into her pathetic car and go to work. Some said to pursue the 'American Dream' but really it was just because that's what adults do.
But despite her best intensions, she would always forget to pack a lunch. Eventually chewing on pens just wasn't filling anymore and she became tired of entertaining an empty stomach. So using all the limited energy she could muster, she decided to find a solution to her absent-minded predicament.
Going out and buying food ended quickly; her budget wouldn't allow for it. She found smiles that were free but found they didn't hold her appetite for very long. And toting the refrigerator to work every day just proved to be a bit of a burden.
So she did the only thing she could do... rely on her creative abilities. And so she sat waiting for inspiration. Moments later it hit her.
She needed her very own personal chef. Not an ordinary chef, but a miniature chef... one that could fit in her purse. Portable, affordable and adorable! "BRILLIANT!", she thought.
And with that she was off to China in hopes of finding the impossible.
~Fin~
August 11, 2006
:: hand me my nose ring ::
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to others is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to do nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by his attitudes, he is a slave, he forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks can be free.
:: unknown ::
"A truely fufilling life must contain 3 essential requirements: something to live on, something to live for and something to die for. The lack of one of these attributes results in drama. The lack of two results in tragedy."
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out to others is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to do nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by his attitudes, he is a slave, he forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks can be free.
:: unknown ::
"A truely fufilling life must contain 3 essential requirements: something to live on, something to live for and something to die for. The lack of one of these attributes results in drama. The lack of two results in tragedy."
August 08, 2006
:: too big for your bowl ::
Right now you're probably alone with your thoughts, seriously wondering what you're doing and rightfully contemplating turning around. But you won't. Not now. That would be stupid. You know better then to go back to that place where it was safe and things were fine. F.I.N.E was uncomfortable.
Who's to say you have to stay? You were free to leave whenever you wished. You just never wanted to before. Or never needed to. But that doesn't matter now... You don't belong there anymore.
Going in circles never really bothered you much because you eventually learned to compensate for your handicap. But you're tired of doing that. It's time to see your handicap for what it really is. A gift. A constant reminder of the limitations you were are able to overcome. And a rock. A stepping stone not a stumbling block.
And that is why, for Christ's sake, you delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when you are weak, then you are strong.
Who's to say you have to stay? You were free to leave whenever you wished. You just never wanted to before. Or never needed to. But that doesn't matter now... You don't belong there anymore.
Going in circles never really bothered you much because you eventually learned to compensate for your handicap. But you're tired of doing that. It's time to see your handicap for what it really is. A gift. A constant reminder of the limitations you were are able to overcome. And a rock. A stepping stone not a stumbling block.
And that is why, for Christ's sake, you delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when you are weak, then you are strong.
August 03, 2006
:: little piggy's ::
Toes. Why are toes so weird? Honestly, they're probably one of the strangest body parts. I mean just look at them. They're odd and kinda ugly. Few people have better ones then most but then nobody really cares, do they? Cause they're just toes.
Why do toes need to be so strange looking? Take the big toe, why is he so big? And how did he get to be so obese? And the little guy on the end, he's just the pathetic runt of the family. Why did he get the microscopic nail? And then the inbetweens, what's up with them? They all seem to have their own growth spurts!
Toes are just really really weird. Flat toes. Round toes. Skinny toes. Fat toes. Stubby toes. Crooked toes. ET toes. Hammer toes. What's up with toes!
And feet!... Don't get me started...
Why do toes need to be so strange looking? Take the big toe, why is he so big? And how did he get to be so obese? And the little guy on the end, he's just the pathetic runt of the family. Why did he get the microscopic nail? And then the inbetweens, what's up with them? They all seem to have their own growth spurts!
Toes are just really really weird. Flat toes. Round toes. Skinny toes. Fat toes. Stubby toes. Crooked toes. ET toes. Hammer toes. What's up with toes!
And feet!... Don't get me started...
August 01, 2006
:: simplicity ::
It's been too safe
it's been too safe for too long
so little reaction, to good or bad
or right or wrong.
And I'm feeling restless here,
with "good intentions" and barbed wire
I want to go elsewhere
and set this place on fire.
NO ONE MOVE
we just wanna know
what's been waiting just outside
these walls are cold
from flames that give off only light
-I'm looking for heat
and sweat
and priceless tears of sincerity
can't be content
with less than everything
NO ONE MOVE
I wanna keep my eyes on You.
... set this place on fire.
it's been too safe for too long
so little reaction, to good or bad
or right or wrong.
And I'm feeling restless here,
with "good intentions" and barbed wire
I want to go elsewhere
and set this place on fire.
NO ONE MOVE
we just wanna know
what's been waiting just outside
these walls are cold
from flames that give off only light
-I'm looking for heat
and sweat
and priceless tears of sincerity
can't be content
with less than everything
NO ONE MOVE
I wanna keep my eyes on You.
... set this place on fire.
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