:: confidence ::

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

Romans 8:26-30

:: becoming undone ::

i had a good cry yesterday because it's hard dealing with 'this'.

and knowing my brain works the way it does - a rapid-fire chain of mental puzzles, forcing bits of knowledge and wisdom together to into a 'gut' feeling, that's unusually right.

it's exhausting.

and if i'm being honest, it kinda sucks.

i'm tired.

the worst part of it all, as being human, is not being truly able to be happy for other people when something great happens to them - especially good people. it's incredibly rude and selfish.

and scary. i can feel the outer shell of my heart tighten a little more each time. it's like a coffin is taking shape, slowly, without regard to my own wishes.

i don't like it. i don't want to be that person.

but then i'm awesome. at least that's what they tell me.

awesome, do they even know what that means?

adjective - extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension or fear.

you know what i hear?
we're afraid/intimidated by you... but you're still really great.

it's like hearing you have a 'great personality'. *!*

great [sarcasm] i'm 'awesome'. thanks for that.

would it kill you to use a different adjective? or be a little more specific?

you know the best part about it?
there's not a damn thing i can do about it.
i am awesome.

and i don't like being 'awesome'.
'awesome' isn't working for me.

and apparently nobody else, either.

but i can't change that fundamental truth about myself. i refuse to. that would be stupid.

i can only accept it.

because if i can't accept who i am - who i really am - they won't either. and i'm no good to anyone else until i do.

they will not like me if i can't like myself first.
they will not love me if i can't learn to love myself first.

i cannot be awesome until i believe that being awesome is inspiring, daunting, apprehensive and fearful... and that's okay.

and so here i am, trying to be fully immersed in who i am, fighting to trust who i really am, so that i can just be. without any judgement... from myself or others. hoping, beyond hope, that i have enough guts to accept who i am so that i can finally live the life i want. the one i deserve to live; the one i can't ever seem to have.

but i'm feeling weak.

i can hear redemption calling from the depths of my soul.
and i'm too too far down to speak.

the darkness is pointing out all the scars that i've been hiding,
all the ghosts i do not name,
and the closets i do not care to open, but open all the same.

i'm trying desperately to live up to the meaning of my name - "courageous in spirit".

while coming undone.

god, help me to come to terms with the truth about myself, and the belief that there is enough power in your name to break every chain.

:: in-between ::

welcome to the in-between.

the part interrupts. the part that shifts. the part that demands change.

the part where things cease to be familiar.

the place of the uncomfortable, the uncertain, the scary.
the painful, the awkward, the restless.
the sometimes unjustified and unwanted.

but this is the in-between.

the part that gives witness to fact that change is coming. a transition is happening. that this too shall pass.

it speaks of the truth that things will get better, and that good is on it's way [though you may not be able to acknowledge it now].

it is not something to be afraid of, run away from or to be discontent with.

no, the in-between is a necessary place. it is an essential part of the journey. for without it, there would be no place for 'next' to come by. no way of moving from one place [bad] to the other [good].

it cannot be skipped, bypassed, or dismissed.

yes, the in-between is [really] hard. it requires a great deal of endurance and effort. strength and courage. sometimes suffering or sympathy.

you can choose to ignore it. but then you would just be stuck in-between.

you see, in order for the in-between to work, it must be embraced. accepted. willingly. wholeheartedly. with a forward motion.

because in-between is a gift. it is the place of freedom that releases us into something new.

the in-between... really isn't so bad.