:: lost melody ::

Someone asked me today, "if Santa were real and had unlimited powers, what would you ask for this year for Christmas?"

I thought about the obvious lump sum of money that would allow things to be slightly easier. I thought about asking for a really incredible boyfriend to end my loneliness. But in that moment, I wasn't sure what I really wanted.

But now that I think about it, I know exactly what I'd ask for. A piano.

I miss my piano. Probably just about as deeply as I hurt right now. I could work everything out on a keyboard. It didn't matter if it was sadness or joy, things make sense when it had sound. Music always had a way of bringing me back. My piano was that personal place where I was completely naked and bore my soul. It was often where I met with God (my eden).

I don't have that anymore. I miss it badly. I NEED it now. I wish I could have it back, but it feels like an ex lover. A piece of my soul that's missing.

:: its been long enough ::

God, it hurts again today. That ache that feels so deeply that my heart wants to crack. I wish I could say that looking on the bright side helps, but I'm truly not convinced anymore that the bright side even exists for me. Impossible really does feel impossible.

My inner strength really isn't that strong right now. And to be perfectly honest, this is seriously the last bit of fight I've got left. I really have nothing left to give; both hands are wide open (empty). I've held on long enough and I'm getting ready to die on this hill. This is one battle I'm not allowed to win. I guess this is my very last attempt before I wave the white flag.

God, I need to know someone cares. I need to be shown in a truly genuine way that I am important, too (just as important as everyone else). I'm sick and tired of always being the humanitarian. It's my turn to be selfish, my turn to have a chance for once. I need to be selfish about this so that I can feel like a healthy person.

Please come through just this once. Convince me your promises are true. That the desires of my heart are the same as yours. That I'm worthy, just like everyone else, to be loved. That I don't have to have the raw end of the deal any more.

I need hope. I need faith. I need convincing. I need evidence. I need to know you're listening. I need it to stop hurting so bad. I need to feel happy. I need it to be my turn now.

__

"Long enough, God - you've ignored me long enough. I've looked at the back of your head long enough. Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain. Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me.

Take a good look at me, God; my God; I want to look life in the eye, so no enemy can get the best of me or laugh when I fall on my face.

I've thrown myself headlong into your arms - I'm celebrating your rescue. I'm singing at the top of my lungs, I'm so full of answered prayers." Psalm 13

__

He has never let you down, never looked the other way when you were being kicked around. He has never wandered off to do his own thing, he has been right there, listening.

Open up before God. Keep nothing back; he'll do whatever needs to be done. {trust}

:: heartache ::

i'm a deep person. i feel and think on levels most people don't. most days it's a gift i'm grateful for, but when pain hits it doesn't manage well.

today i hurt. i hurt because i'm too humanitarian, i don't ask for help and i analyze way too much. i hurt because i always seem to get the short end of the stick no matter what. i hurt because i'm good people and bad things keep happening. i hurt because its never my turn to win. and i hurt because there's always somebody else.

its a physical pain that my heart just can't handle much longer. i desperately need things to change; like right now. i need to experience the up-swing of life again. i need to be wanted. i want to be loved. i don't want to worry that things can't get better.

God, please send change. my heartache is too much.

:: whirlwind ::

"we want answers, don't we? we want explanations. we want to know why we suffer like we do. "can somebody please explain this?". and there are times when the only honest, healthy, human thing to possibly do is to shout your question and shake your fist, and rage against the heavens and demand an explanation.

but true wisdom, the kind we find with job (38), the kind that endures, the kind that sustains a person through suffering, that kind of wisdom knows when to speak and when to be silent.

because your story is not over. the last word has not been spoken. and there may be way more going on here than any of us realizes.

so may you be released from always having to understand why everything happens the way that it does. may this freedom open you up to all sorts of new perspectives. and may you have the wisdom to know when to say, 'i spoke once, but now i will say no more.' "

:: psalm 119:169-176 ::

Let my cry come right into your presence, God;
      provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.
   Give my request your personal attention,
      rescue me on the terms of your promise.
   Let praise cascade off my lips;
      after all, you've taught me the truth about life!
   And let your promises ring from my tongue;
      every order you've given is right.
   Put your hand out and steady me
      since I've chosen to live by your counsel.
   I'm homesick, God, for your salvation;
      I love it when you show yourself!
   Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well,
      use your decrees to put iron in my soul.
   And should I wander off like a lost sheep—seek me!
      I'll recognize the sound of your voice.

:: about death ::

we all have our own ideas about what death might be. for all we know, death could be the greatest good that could happen to us. cicero said, "the life of the dead is placed in the memories of the living". the love we feel in life, keeps people alive beyond their time... anyone who has given love will always live on in another's heart.

:: kick the darkness ::

but nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight - got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight.

:: let something happen o god ::

oh god, let something essential happen to me, something more than interesting or entertaining or thoughtful. let something essential happen to me, something awesome, something real. speak to my condition lord, and change me somewhere inside where it matters. let something happen which is in my real self, o god.

:: you are strong ::

[your name] your sins have been sent away. you know god. you are strong. the word of god lives in you and you have overcome the evil one.

:: love ::

Love is the new Kingdom. It is also the epitome of the Old Testament ethic. The obligation to love extends not only to one's relatives, not only to one's neighbor, but even to one's enemies... [as] the positive reaction of love [is] expressed in deeds.

Love is rooted in patience, kindness, truth, righteousness, hope, compassion and endurance.

Love is an expression of these behaviors. It is a non-judgmental safe place. It says not matter what you are, what you do or what you say, I have your back and I refuse to give up - whether or not there's "change" - because my Father will never give up on me.

Love in a way that's tangible, measurable and unconditional - whether we see our version of "change" happening or not!

It is Holy Spirit's job to convict, God's job to judge and my job to love.

Go in love. Go with love. Go because if love, how else will they know our good God? How else will we?

"By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:35)

You are called to be the evidence of God's love in this world.

"Love one another, as I have loved you." (John 15:12)

Lodged in your heart is the power to walk into somebody's life and give them "the courage to be".

"That you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints, what is the breadth and length, and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you might be filled up to all the fullness of God." (Eph. 3:17-19)

People are touched by the simplest words - the ones that come with humility, truth and love.

"Your message burns in my heart and bones, and I cannot keep silent." (Jer. 20:9)

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it; Love your neighbour as yourself." (Matt. 22:36:39)

Without love, the outward work is of no value; but whatever is done out of love, be it ever so little, is wholly fruitful. For God regards the greatness of love that prompts a man, rather than the greatness of achievement.

God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go.

:: FREE invisibility pants ::

there's no such thing.

you didn't really need invisibility pants anyway. you'd just look like a floating torso. and even if you tried to hide behind some curtains, your feet would give you away.

pointless.

enjoy your real pants & have a nice day.

:: i'm okay if you're okay ::

the feeling of being "okay" does not imply the person has risen above all his faults and emotional problems. It merely implies that he refuses to be paralyzed by them.

:: hope, coffee and melody ::

i've found new hope in the past year or so. things are turning out quiet differently then i expected and i've learned a lot about myself in the process. i guess you could say i've become more comfortable in my own skin and i've found freedom in that. its leading me into new adventures; some of which are more challenging than others, but i have hope. hope that god is who he says he is, hope that he'll be there when i need him. hope in the people around me and in the potential that lies inside of them. hope in pursuing a better world and seeing the kingdom of heaven alive in it. really its just a bit of hope that keeps me going these days, but i think maybe that's all a need right now.

:: patiently ::

Why today? Why did he look different today? Why now?

I felt the shift. I felt the change of heart. I saw it in his face.

Why did you do that? Why today?

God, help me with my unbelief.

Help me guard my heart.

Guard my mind, too. Keep it from wandering in and out of daydreams.

Teach me to wait. Patiently.

:: presence ::

I felt you today during prayer. I have to say you surprised me; came on strong. I wasn't expecting you. Actually, I haven't been expecting You for a while now.

I think you know I've been afraid. Afraid of what you've done before. Afraid of what you might do again. That's why I stopped expecting you; so it would stop. I think you knew that already though. I'm sorry about that.

Honestly, I think I'm still afraid of you showing up like that.

It's hard to deal with (alone). Hard to explain to others. Hard to understand why you do that in the first place.

Why do you do it in the first place? Why with me?

I know part of me misses you. Maybe even longs for more of it, but I'm still afraid. I can't really help it. You do that to people, you know?... Show up in such big ways, mind blowing ways, and follow it with "do not be afraid". How could that not scare the bejesus out of us?

God, I don't know why its been this long (why today? why break the silence now?), but thank you. It's enough to just know you're still here. I have to admit, I'm still anxious that it might happen again, but I've missed you.

Help me not to be afraid.