:: patiently ::

Why today? Why did he look different today? Why now?

I felt the shift. I felt the change of heart. I saw it in his face.

Why did you do that? Why today?

God, help me with my unbelief.

Help me guard my heart.

Guard my mind, too. Keep it from wandering in and out of daydreams.

Teach me to wait. Patiently.

:: presence ::

I felt you today during prayer. I have to say you surprised me; came on strong. I wasn't expecting you. Actually, I haven't been expecting You for a while now.

I think you know I've been afraid. Afraid of what you've done before. Afraid of what you might do again. That's why I stopped expecting you; so it would stop. I think you knew that already though. I'm sorry about that.

Honestly, I think I'm still afraid of you showing up like that.

It's hard to deal with (alone). Hard to explain to others. Hard to understand why you do that in the first place.

Why do you do it in the first place? Why with me?

I know part of me misses you. Maybe even longs for more of it, but I'm still afraid. I can't really help it. You do that to people, you know?... Show up in such big ways, mind blowing ways, and follow it with "do not be afraid". How could that not scare the bejesus out of us?

God, I don't know why its been this long (why today? why break the silence now?), but thank you. It's enough to just know you're still here. I have to admit, I'm still anxious that it might happen again, but I've missed you.

Help me not to be afraid.