:: becoming undone ::

i had a good cry yesterday because it's hard dealing with 'this'.

and knowing my brain works the way it does - a rapid-fire chain of mental puzzles, forcing bits of knowledge and wisdom together to into a 'gut' feeling, that's unusually right.

it's exhausting.

and if i'm being honest, it kinda sucks.

i'm tired.

the worst part of it all, as being human, is not being truly able to be happy for other people when something great happens to them - especially good people. it's incredibly rude and selfish.

and scary. i can feel the outer shell of my heart tighten a little more each time. it's like a coffin is taking shape, slowly, without regard to my own wishes.

i don't like it. i don't want to be that person.

but then i'm awesome. at least that's what they tell me.

awesome, do they even know what that means?

adjective - extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension or fear.

you know what i hear?
we're afraid/intimidated by you... but you're still really great.

it's like hearing you have a 'great personality'. *!*

great [sarcasm] i'm 'awesome'. thanks for that.

would it kill you to use a different adjective? or be a little more specific?

you know the best part about it?
there's not a damn thing i can do about it.
i am awesome.

and i don't like being 'awesome'.
'awesome' isn't working for me.

and apparently nobody else, either.

but i can't change that fundamental truth about myself. i refuse to. that would be stupid.

i can only accept it.

because if i can't accept who i am - who i really am - they won't either. and i'm no good to anyone else until i do.

they will not like me if i can't like myself first.
they will not love me if i can't learn to love myself first.

i cannot be awesome until i believe that being awesome is inspiring, daunting, apprehensive and fearful... and that's okay.

and so here i am, trying to be fully immersed in who i am, fighting to trust who i really am, so that i can just be. without any judgement... from myself or others. hoping, beyond hope, that i have enough guts to accept who i am so that i can finally live the life i want. the one i deserve to live; the one i can't ever seem to have.

but i'm feeling weak.

i can hear redemption calling from the depths of my soul.
and i'm too too far down to speak.

the darkness is pointing out all the scars that i've been hiding,
all the ghosts i do not name,
and the closets i do not care to open, but open all the same.

i'm trying desperately to live up to the meaning of my name - "courageous in spirit".

while coming undone.

god, help me to come to terms with the truth about myself, and the belief that there is enough power in your name to break every chain.